LOVE THIS!

Two things that I am proud of myself for today:

1) for dragging my sorry ass out of bed today, when I was overcome with anxiety about my life and actually going for the run that I had wanted to do.  I got up and ran 3.7 miles and felt fantastic both during and after.  I was really happy that I didn’t choose to stay in bed or lounge around until I had to go to work.

2) for having a meaningful conversation with a colleague (that I don’t know too well but we were working together tonight) about my fears about continuing to work in this field.  It is a rather negative environment and as a result, when I come to work, I shut my feelings off as soon as I get here.  I told her that my fear is that it’s too easy for me to do that and I don’t want that spilling into my personal life - that numbing feeling.  I want to be able to go to work and be myself and feel joy.  I am pretty proud of myself for admitting that to her, even though we barely know one another.

Two things that I am thankful for:

1) I am very thankful that in my one day visit I had in my hometown a couple of weeks ago, I happened to have lunch with my cousin, and an aunt and an uncle, whom I very rarely see.  The last time I saw that uncle was probably 3 or 4 years ago (he lives in another town) but he happened to be in town the day I was because he had an appointment at the hospital.  It turns out that he only has a few months to live, so I am very thankful that I had that opportunity to see him.

2) I am thankful that I am healthy.  I have always been someone that has been rather relatively healthy - no major injuries, no major illnesses (hell, I rarely ever even get a cold and I am pretty sure I’ve never gotten the flu!).  I have a dear friend who has been battling pain and illness for years and I just cannot begin to fathom how incredibly frustrating that would be and how totally powerless (and angry!) she must feel.  So no matter what, I am thankful that I am healthy.  *knock on wood!;)

Four goals that I will accomplish tomorrow:

1) I will get up and go for at least a 3 mile run tomorrow before work.

2) I will email the Hospital Social Work contact I have to see if we can set up a time to meet and discuss possible job opportunities or volunteer options.

3) I will apply to at least two job postings and put a lot of effort and thought into the cover letters (I know I have been mildly lackadaisical in this regard, in the past).

4) I will complete the EPIK application form (to teach English in Korea - an option I am considering) and ask two people to write a reference letter for me.

So, I disappeared for a little while…I was on holidays for a couple of weeks and then I have just been a little “down in the dumps” lately.  I have been trying to find another job, more in my field, for a while now and there is just so few opportunities out there!  It’s extremely frustrating because I really feel my age is creeping up and that I should be more settled into a career; nevermind the fact that I have such student loan debt that I need to be making more money by working in my field….  Throw on top of that the fact that I am really getting lonely and wanting to meet someone.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship and although I am definitely not someone that “needs” someone by their side, I would like to have companionship again…

Anyhow, I recently bit the bullet and applied for a job that I thought that I would get, even though it would be in a very small town (yes, “TOWN”), which would do nothing for my already lacklustre love life but I need to at least get my financial and career life more in order.  Well, I didn’t get the job and it was totally my own fault.  I didn’t prepare for the interview at all and just assumed I would get it…well, the interview started off extremely well and then trailed off.  The result was that someone more competitive won.  Although part of me is relieved that I don’t have to move to such a hick town, I am pretty disappointed in myself and even more fearful of the job market, as I am not getting any younger…

Oh, and then I found out that another job (well, same job but in Vancouver) that I interviewed for (and had previously won a position but turned it down - long story), I also never got and didn’t even make the eligibility list (12 people on the list, with 63 people interviewed).  Bummed?  Hell yes!  And seriously kicking myself for not taking the job the first time and for not doing better on the interview.

So now I am trying to sort out a “what’s next”…

It’s hard to be positive and to not get discouraged but I know I need to.  I need to shake my brain of the negativity and think positively.  I also need to use this as an opportunity to think about what I really want because truthfully, those jobs I was applying to, I never really wanted.  I wanted the job as a means to an end (to get me to Vancouver and to give me a “social work” title) but ultimately, I really want to work in hospitals.  Possibly palliative care.  I want to work in an environment where it is my focus to make someone’s day just a little bit better and see the good in people, as opposed to being the person who is known as tearing families apart and taking away kids.  I deserve to work in a more positive environment and even more, I truly think I am more skilled at that sort of work. 

In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do.  I need to get a handle of my financial situation, which requires me to stop procrastinating (out of fear of failure) on doing this bankruptcy discharge application.  I have been so afraid that I’ll be unsucessful with it or that I’ll have too hard of a time figuring out the procedure, that I have been putting it off.  However, the obviously does nothing to deal with the problem and it has done zero to elminate any stress/anxiety I have regarding my debts!

Anyhow, as this blog is about finding happiness and contentment, I am returning this post to that focus.  Yes, career and money (and love life) all factor in to that but I need to get a handle on the things that I can control….the processes and the little things.  Soo….because I have realized that life has literally been passing me by, as I bury my head down and try not to think about it (again because of fear and anxiety), I need to set myself many small goals.  I feel better about myself when I set goals and I do them.  When I create a plan of attack and follow through and accomplish those goals.  So, I have decided that I am going to start doing a few things differently from here on out.  Every evening, I am going to make a post of:

1) two things that I am proud of myself for accomplishing that day

2) two things that I am thankful for

3) four goals that I plan to achieve the following day

I feel that in doing this, I will create a pattern of looking for the positives in what I do, being proud of myself, and also in taking charge of my life and doing all these things I talk about doing.  Once this pattern takes hold, the happiness should really follow suit…

#6 is something I need to do more often. 

#10 is so true!

(Source: onsetsunrise)

The other night, I was talking with someone that I will call a friend, even though we have had very few conversations.  It was funny, she is about a decade (or more) older, we barely “know” each other, and she appears to be one of those people that everyone flocks to and adores - yet, she tells me that I know her better than most people.  In many ways, I pride myself on my ability to connect with people on a deeply personal level, without invading their sense of personal boundaries.  In fact, it’s a “gift” that I have almost always known that I possess, though I will very rarely “actively” use it.  Many times, meaningful and deep conversations will just happen - perhaps it’s that people sense that I am non-judgmental and will happily listen or perhaps it’s some other unknown force at work.  Generally, however, I am aware of it happening, as it’s happening.

Anyhow, about a year ago, this woman told me - totally out of the blue - that  saw I saved her life.  I was totally thrown?  Whaa??  How??  Well, it seems that this completely innocuous (at least it seemed to me) conversation we had about this facebook link on my page, made her to think about her life in a totally different way.  I had put a link about this young girl in our town who had committed suicide and wrote a comment about how sad it was.  She saw that link.  She then commented to me about that link, very shortly after, when we coincidentally saw one another.  I very matter of factly told her that those stories upset me because I have been suicidal but I never followed through because I also know what it’s like to be left behind.  That I could never do that to anyone - I could never leave that sort of guilt on those left behind.  Turns out she was suicidal.  I’m pretty perceptive but I honestly had no idea…I mean, I got the sense that she knew someone who had committed suicide or was considering it, but I never thought for a second that it was she who was considering it.  That is, until we had that totally innocuous conversation….  So that night, when she told me that I saved her life. That her best friend knows all about me.  That one day, her daughter will know all about me too.  Wow….that’s all I can say.  I basically chose to live my life so that I could help others from my experience but to be able to do it, without even meaning to, and later hearing about it - I can’t put into words how much that means to me.

So, when I want to hide from life and be afraid to take chances, I will remind myself that I am here on earth to make a difference and even the tiniest of actions can save a life.

Well, this block of days off has been a little less productive than I had planned but I managed to come down with the flu - c’est la vie, as they say;)  Really, I can’t complain - I basically never get sick, so being sick for a few days is something I can handle;)

Anyhow, of course during my extended stint on the couch, sniffling away, I watched a fair amount of tv and movies.  One of the movies that I (re)watched was “Freedom Writers”.  There is so much about this movie that I love - I love that the main character (played by Hillary Swank) was so passionate about a cause that no one else seemed to care about and was able to see the possibilities, even when no one else could.  And, of course, I love the analogy of the holocaust with that of the “race wars”….very effective.

Movies like these always make me think about my own life.  It is not lost upon me that much of my “unhappiness” is a result of my own fears.  I am afraid to take chances.  I am afraid to meet new people.  I am afraid to be vulnerable.  I am afraid that the world will let me down again and that I will again be grappling on the edge of life, considering stepping off.  It’s a scary place to be - wanting to die - and not somewhere I ever wish to return.  However, being where I am now - hiding out, not “living” my life, watching life pass me by, in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, isn’t exactly the most desirable place to be either.  As scary as it might be to take risks, I know that if I don’t, I won’t ever be happy.  So, when I watch movies like these and see people who have faced so much more than me and have managed to come out stronger AND happier and didn’t let their fear define them, I am reminded that I CAN overcome my fear.  I do not want those people who have caused my fear to win and dictate the course of my life.  I want to dictate the course of my own life!

So, to that end, tomorrow I make a small step - tomorrow I will take a spin class with people I don’t know.  I can come up with all sorts of excuses not to go (mostly, that I will need to get up early) but I don’t want to make excuses anymore.  I know that even going to a spin class is a silly thing for me to fear but that’s just how out of control my fear has gotten - having to engage with people I don’t know, really stresses me out.

Today, I made the decision to skip practice,  as well as the gym.  I’m injured and I need to rest, which isn’t an easy task for me,  I’ve come to realize.  As I was thinking about this and how I love the feeling of a good cardio workout, I realized just how far I’ve come in the last couple of years.  About three years ago, I can say with all honesty, I was at my lowest.  I’ve been low many times but this time….this time it was so bad that my body was barely functioning.  I recall my anxiety being to bad that I found it difficult to even stand.  I was a nervous wreck and incredibly depressed and for the first time, I was without hope.  In the past, I was able to tell myself that the pain and suffering was temporary and things would be better but this time, after so many doors being slammed in my face,  I had lost hope in the world around me.  I knew (and know) that I am strong and I am determined but I had lost hope in the world around me.  And just when I was at my all time low and had even gone to get a prescription for anxiety medication, I was dealt with yet another brutal blow.

As I was grasping for any possible means to get better, I decided to try chiropractic.  I had come across a chiropractic doctor at a women’s wellness show and she claimed that chiropractic could help with depression because sometimes our muscles and joints get locked in place and actually disrupt the flow of the central nervous system…this made a lot of sense to me and I was pretty desperate, so I decided to give it a whirl.  Within a couple of sessions, I felt drastically better and within about a month, I had begun running and working out regularly.  As much as I love sports and working out, I’ve always loathed - yes LOATHED - running.  It felt awkward and uncomfortable…and I wasn’t very good at it.  I’m a competitive person, so for me to not be good at something, is kind of a struggle and I usually end up quitting.  That was three years ago now and guess what…I still run!  I run up to 6 days/week and I love the feeling I get after a good run.  I still don’t enjoy the process of running but I love the effects and for that reason, I know I’ll stick with it for a lifetime,

One of my weaknesses is that even though I am very good at finding the silver-lining in anything, I still manage to hold on to and focus on what I’ve failed at.  I hold myself up to such high standards that when I fail to meet them, that’s all I think about…which is what has lead me to where I am now.  But I need to remember…I managed to turn myself around completely…from a suicidal, hopeless, sloth to someone that thoroughly enjoys running and has kept it up for a long time.  That’s pretty impressive,  when you think about it.  I just need to focus on these successes of mine and build on them.  I’m independent, strong,  determined, and a fighter.  I will succeed in life and I will find that happiness that I so long for.  I won’t give up until I do, just like I never gave up on my life - even though there were many times I wanted to!