So, I disappeared for a little while…I was on holidays for a couple of weeks and then I have just been a little “down in the dumps” lately.  I have been trying to find another job, more in my field, for a while now and there is just so few opportunities out there!  It’s extremely frustrating because I really feel my age is creeping up and that I should be more settled into a career; nevermind the fact that I have such student loan debt that I need to be making more money by working in my field….  Throw on top of that the fact that I am really getting lonely and wanting to meet someone.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship and although I am definitely not someone that “needs” someone by their side, I would like to have companionship again…

Anyhow, I recently bit the bullet and applied for a job that I thought that I would get, even though it would be in a very small town (yes, “TOWN”), which would do nothing for my already lacklustre love life but I need to at least get my financial and career life more in order.  Well, I didn’t get the job and it was totally my own fault.  I didn’t prepare for the interview at all and just assumed I would get it…well, the interview started off extremely well and then trailed off.  The result was that someone more competitive won.  Although part of me is relieved that I don’t have to move to such a hick town, I am pretty disappointed in myself and even more fearful of the job market, as I am not getting any younger…

Oh, and then I found out that another job (well, same job but in Vancouver) that I interviewed for (and had previously won a position but turned it down - long story), I also never got and didn’t even make the eligibility list (12 people on the list, with 63 people interviewed).  Bummed?  Hell yes!  And seriously kicking myself for not taking the job the first time and for not doing better on the interview.

So now I am trying to sort out a “what’s next”…

It’s hard to be positive and to not get discouraged but I know I need to.  I need to shake my brain of the negativity and think positively.  I also need to use this as an opportunity to think about what I really want because truthfully, those jobs I was applying to, I never really wanted.  I wanted the job as a means to an end (to get me to Vancouver and to give me a “social work” title) but ultimately, I really want to work in hospitals.  Possibly palliative care.  I want to work in an environment where it is my focus to make someone’s day just a little bit better and see the good in people, as opposed to being the person who is known as tearing families apart and taking away kids.  I deserve to work in a more positive environment and even more, I truly think I am more skilled at that sort of work. 

In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do.  I need to get a handle of my financial situation, which requires me to stop procrastinating (out of fear of failure) on doing this bankruptcy discharge application.  I have been so afraid that I’ll be unsucessful with it or that I’ll have too hard of a time figuring out the procedure, that I have been putting it off.  However, the obviously does nothing to deal with the problem and it has done zero to elminate any stress/anxiety I have regarding my debts!

Anyhow, as this blog is about finding happiness and contentment, I am returning this post to that focus.  Yes, career and money (and love life) all factor in to that but I need to get a handle on the things that I can control….the processes and the little things.  Soo….because I have realized that life has literally been passing me by, as I bury my head down and try not to think about it (again because of fear and anxiety), I need to set myself many small goals.  I feel better about myself when I set goals and I do them.  When I create a plan of attack and follow through and accomplish those goals.  So, I have decided that I am going to start doing a few things differently from here on out.  Every evening, I am going to make a post of:

1) two things that I am proud of myself for accomplishing that day

2) two things that I am thankful for

3) four goals that I plan to achieve the following day

I feel that in doing this, I will create a pattern of looking for the positives in what I do, being proud of myself, and also in taking charge of my life and doing all these things I talk about doing.  Once this pattern takes hold, the happiness should really follow suit…