Well, this block of days off has been a little less productive than I had planned but I managed to come down with the flu - c’est la vie, as they say;)  Really, I can’t complain - I basically never get sick, so being sick for a few days is something I can handle;)

Anyhow, of course during my extended stint on the couch, sniffling away, I watched a fair amount of tv and movies.  One of the movies that I (re)watched was “Freedom Writers”.  There is so much about this movie that I love - I love that the main character (played by Hillary Swank) was so passionate about a cause that no one else seemed to care about and was able to see the possibilities, even when no one else could.  And, of course, I love the analogy of the holocaust with that of the “race wars”….very effective.

Movies like these always make me think about my own life.  It is not lost upon me that much of my “unhappiness” is a result of my own fears.  I am afraid to take chances.  I am afraid to meet new people.  I am afraid to be vulnerable.  I am afraid that the world will let me down again and that I will again be grappling on the edge of life, considering stepping off.  It’s a scary place to be - wanting to die - and not somewhere I ever wish to return.  However, being where I am now - hiding out, not “living” my life, watching life pass me by, in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, isn’t exactly the most desirable place to be either.  As scary as it might be to take risks, I know that if I don’t, I won’t ever be happy.  So, when I watch movies like these and see people who have faced so much more than me and have managed to come out stronger AND happier and didn’t let their fear define them, I am reminded that I CAN overcome my fear.  I do not want those people who have caused my fear to win and dictate the course of my life.  I want to dictate the course of my own life!

So, to that end, tomorrow I make a small step - tomorrow I will take a spin class with people I don’t know.  I can come up with all sorts of excuses not to go (mostly, that I will need to get up early) but I don’t want to make excuses anymore.  I know that even going to a spin class is a silly thing for me to fear but that’s just how out of control my fear has gotten - having to engage with people I don’t know, really stresses me out.